I'm twenty-six and still am not totally sure of what I'm doing to do when I "grow up" (whatever that means).
That isn't to say that I don't have a career idea, or a path to getting to any kind of settling point. But the older I've gotten, the more I've seen that such questions like "What are you going to be?" and the like are tailor made for people who do not have much interest in self-exploration or introspection.
To be honest, I have no clue what a "grown up" even is. I used to look at my parents as the example, but the more time goes on, I both have a deepened respect for my parents and a deepening confusing as to whether they are the paradigm I have for a "grown up". I can respect what they have lived and done with themselves by understanding their lives and contrasting them with my life (and in turn, I can more deeply respect myself in that way also). However, I also see at the same time that they're just as imperfect as I am. They have character flaws like me, they are not these all-encompassing beings I imagined they might be even seven or eight years ago.
I used to bust it hard at work to save up money to finish studying for a technical career that would supposedly launch me right into "adulthood", or at least a major phase of it. But I quickly found that following this path to its logical end wouldn't bring me much deep satisfaction. Money would only bide me so much time and so much happiness. It would never match up to the depths of my imagination and curiosity about the world. I knew that my career, in some form or another, would have to allow me to explore that imagination in some way.
It is this aspect of my life that has caused much confusion in my life in recent years, but also a lot of clarity, oddly enough. My perception is akin to a bone, constantly breaking and cracking in micro-fractures with the confusion I face in keeping true to my curiosity and imagination and facing the scrutiny of those who do not see things the same or have not learned to understand their own curiosity. Clarity is the rebuilding of that broken bone and its strengthening.
This year, 2011, has been a year of rebuilding in many levels of my life. I saw levels of myself that I never knew could exist, both in good and bad ways. I dealt with enormous good fortune, like graduating debt free from college, landing a small teaching job, staying active and in shape, and reaching out to educate people on the world in new ways. I made new friends, met new people, solidified relationships with old friends, and kept true with my family. In other respects, I faltered in some of my money savings plans and ended relationships with some people - some out of necessity, some beyond my control. The gains and losses, successes and failures have left scars and simultaneously strengthened by ambition to grow more and face reality head on, no matter how bright or dark certain aspects may be.
2012 is going to be a unique year in ways that are unknown to me for the first time in my life. But I'm ready for it and am confident in my ability to confront new experiences.
